“Let us understand this for the person of good will, that which is serious in sin is not so much the fault in itself as the despondency into which it places him. He who falls but immediately gets up has not lost much but he has rather gained in humility and in the experience of mercy. He who remains sad and defeated loses much more. The sign of spiritual progress is not so much never falling as it is being able to lift oneself up quickly after one falls.” -Father Jacques Philippe
“I used to be afraid of failing at something that really mattered to me, but now I’m more afraid of succeeding at things that don't matter.” -Bob Goff
“Come te santi?” Is what came out of my mouth as I tried to ask one of my patients how she was feeling. This particular statement met my tired patient's brain with a look of confusion as she shouted to my clinical instructor, “Che ha detto?, È morto il santo?” or (for those who need translation),“What did he say? The saint is dead?!” And just like that, in the matter of a moment, with the weapon of improper pronunciation of, “Come ti senti?,” or, “how are you feeling?,” I successfully killed a saint.
I currently have a limited Italian vocabulary that consists mainly of words involving directions to move different body parts, how to introduce myself, and “shut up.” No matter how big my vocabulary, improper pronunciation of the words I want to get across can take me quickly from what I intend to say to something else entirely and my first week in the clinic has been full of a lot of this. Stumbling over my broken Italian, I try to fill in the blanks with hand motions and the best charades I can produce.
There is nothing like learning a new language to throw your imperfection back in your face. Personally I like to avoid my imperfections, part of it is the enneagram one in me and part is that it is easier to deal with them if you just don't look at them. Here they are constantly right in front of me, whether it is the four girls that I am here with reminding me of every little thing I do wrong (mainly because they are salty that I have a full apartment all to myself), the mistakes in Italian, the wrong turns that I seem to take every time I drive, or the little things in my daily personal life, they are all right there.
With time, I may make fewer mistakes or I may make more or bigger mistakes, so I have been learning to have a short memory. It's part of my goal to live in the present, yet also something that I am realizing takes practice and takes messing up. That's why I like my last patient everyday so much, because she is not afraid to make a fool of me, to call me out when I kill off a saint or tell her to sit down when I mean stand up. It helps me practice trying again. It forces me to get back up and everytime I get back up, I may fall, but I am able to get back up faster than the time before.
In my life, I have always struggled with shame cycles from the way that I have lived or think I should be living. More than any sin I have committed, the shame narrative that I tend toward has separated me from the relationships I care about the most (family, close friends, and God). I have gotten good at secluding myself from time to time, vegging out to TV shows or my phone, and getting really good at things that don't matter much at all.
Right now, I want to enjoy my failures when they happen, both big and small, because it's in the speed in which I get back up which I have been seeing the most growth thus far.
A note on the clinic:
The clinic that I am currently placed at is not what I expected, but I have been enjoying it a lot. The name of it is Istituto Clinico Tiberino in Umbertide, Italy. The clinic is connected to a hospital that has only survived due to the high quality of the physical therapy. All the patients we see stay at the clinic for free as long as they have a doctor's prescription. The patients will all be there till a doctor discharges them, they want to leave, or their original prescribed time is up. The time prescribed varies from patient to patient not due to their condition, but due to the region of Italy that they come from. We are in the region of Umbria so any patient from Umbria is only at the clinic for 12 days as Umbria does not want to pay themselves. Instead, most of the patients are from other regions and automatically get 40 days of rehab, because Umbria likes when Tuscany pays them so they may as well extend it as long as they can. Though all of the patients live in the clinic, very few of the patients I see would need to stay somewhere for care. As my clinical instructor says, “some of our patients feel better than both of us do.” I will continue to include more cultural/other notes like this in future posts.
First day in the clinic, in our all white
View from Vigne di Pace, our home for the next three months
Duomo di Siena
The leaning tower of Pisa, fun fact the tower actually leans
San Gimignano the town of the towers
Fog from the tallest tower in San Gimignano
Meat and cheese shop, that sold cheese cured in hay that was wrapped around the outside
Gelateria Dondoli, winner of the 2007-2009 Ice Cream Championship
Filming spot from the movie Gladiator (we may have had to park illegally in the process of gettign here)
My list of Italian words written by my clinical instructor on napkins